[Opinion] Parenting – How Much Can You Really Influence Your Kids?

terrie000

Oct 30

How much can you really influence your kids? I think that's a very open question and of course a lot of controversies as well. A simple "yes" or "no" answer is not going to be suffice for this, and there is really no "right" or "wrong" answer - therefore, this is categorized as an "opinion" post.

This topic comes to my mind after spending a full day at my brother's house, being around his 3 kids all day and experience the "family interactions" environment. I myself do not have any kids, and sometimes I wonder if having a kid is really a wise decision, haha, especially witnessing the continual frustration and drama around the kids.

Parents Play a Significant Role in a Kid's Development

Let's talk about the side of how parents can be really influential to their kids. Undoubtedly, parents are the closest humans to a baby, and continue to be the ones spending the most time being with the kids throughout their childhoods. I don't think anyone can deny the significant role parents can have on the kids.

As parents (or adults), we are supposed to be the role model, and guide the kids to be a "good" and "responsible" kid. So we teach them to clean after themselves, to be nice to others, to behave appropriately, to share toys, to be a loving sibling, to be respectful, to learn all the new things that the teacher teaches... the list goes on and on.

In order to achieve these objectives, we have to "teach" them that. Often time, "teaching" isn't as simple as giving an order or telling them a simple statement of "do this". But we can try to leverage our roles as parents or adults to lead them to do these things as they trust us and will tend to follow our guidance. I think good parenting involves parents who are willing to spend time with the kids, nourish them by sacrificing their own time to teach/play with them, to explain and educate the kids through different ways of communication and methods that is receptive to the kids - each kid is different. So yes, parents definitely can influence a kid's behavior, learning desire, skills set, and even lead to success in career and life in their adulthood.

The potential is high, but... how much do most parents actually have influence on their kids, and really... how much of those are "negative" influence? That's another topic for another time.

Parents Really Don't Have Much Controls Over Their Kids

On the other side of the fence, sometimes I think we can't help but think we have no control over them. The kid is given to us by well... "random chance" if you want to be scientific, and "God" if you want to be religious. Either ways, you can't really "choose" your own kid, that's what I mean. It's not like I got a bad kid who I can't tame, forget it... trash it and get another one. We have absolutely no control over their personality - that's one main thing I want to say. Yes, we can influence them and guide them to have "good behavior" and therefore "good personality", but a lot of it could be preset by default.

For example, kid #1 is jealous. He is always upset about his younger sister and brother getting certain toys and he isn't satisfied with his own toy. Well, we certainly didn't teach the kid to be jealous, ha! So is it just ... human nature? To be jealous? As for kid #2 and kid #3, maybe they aren't default to have the "jealous gene" on them, but because they see kid #1 is jealous, they start to follow and get influenced and also pick up that jealousy behavior. This is when their siblings actually have a higher influence than the parents themselves.

You may say, "I can fix the jealousy problem". So you go to kid #1, and start to explain and talk to kid #1 that you treat all 3 kids fairly and everyone gets a toy, and they are all the same price and from the same company... blah blah blah. But what happen? That didn't stop the fight, because it is not the same color, not the same complexity (because the kids are at different age) - being "fair" really not equal to being the "same". Seriously, how often do people try to be "fair" in life, and how often does it really end up to be "100% fair" in real life? I think one thing that kids need to learn early in life is - life is not always fair. Fair is great, but when things are unfair, learn to accept it or find another way around it. It is not a reason to start fighting and get violent.

My point is, yes... parents can influence kids in a significant way, but really - you can have 3 children, and each of the 3 will have completely different personality, behavior, and even physically different. These are the things that are hard (not impossible) for parents to change. And really... do we really need to force a change on those personalities? If they are bad traits, do we just accept it?

Final Thoughts

Parents definitely influence a kid's development a lot, but how much can you influence them, and in a positive or negative way is a hard question to answer. How do you even influence them is a difficult question to decode as well. If you think of kids as an investment, as like in finance, this is the worst investment you can ever invest in - with almost no guarantee of return and the level of uncertainty is huge. The risk is enormous with cost of money and time to raise a kid up, not to include any emotional tides at all to this equation. So in the economical perspective, it is really not a great choice.

But well, kids can bring a lot of joy to your life as well. That's something that cannot be calculated using numbers. The unconditional love of parents to their kids can outmatch anything, even putting their own lives at stake.

So it sounds like I'm talking left, and then talking right. Pick a side, you say! The fact is, there is really no answer one answer fit all to this topic. You may feel helpless and hopeless, or you may be able to raise your children to be successful people in the society - it all depend on your luck (random chance/events) + your own hard work (to nourish the kids). You can't control the luck factor, but you can control the time and effort you put in your kids.

If I may express my personal opinion, I would say you can only try your best. By the end of your life, you just have to accept whatever your kid end up to be and you have no regret because you tried. You can be the best parent ever and help to build their road to success, but it is always up to them to walk their own life and make their own decision.

Parenting well!

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