Is it weird that I've had this thought multiple times throughout my 32 years of living?
TW: Depressive episode incoming
I am going to start by saying I've led a fairly privileged life. I've been sheltered from a lot of hardships because of my parents. But I've also worked very hard to get what I've wanted throughout my life and no matter how hard I've tried I've never gotten exactly what I've wanted, I've always fallen short. While what I've gotten hasn't always been bad, it just makes me wonder what I am doing wrong to have a success rate of 0%.
I know this post sounds depressing and I'm writing this while my anxiety is at its worse than it has been in the last few months. I'm lying down on the cold bathroom floor and just wondering how I've ended up here. (The cold floor is helping calm my anxiety)
Yes, I have messy shelves.
What if the universe is rejecting me? What if it's telling me to stop trying? What if all along it's been telling me to stop having dreams? What if I'm meant to just stop trying and just give up on having dreams? What does it mean to have 0% success in achieving my dreams?
I know I am spiralling and overthinking this all but yeah, it is just a bad bad day. On the bright side, it got me back to the blog and back to writing. Silver lining, huh?
--xx--
It is the next morning, I slept for 8 hours, woke up, and ordered coffee and cake - and I already feel better. I am pretty sure that a mix of PMS and anxiety made me break down last night. I have been struggling with work (I run my own small business) these past few weeks and it has been hard to stay optimistic. Something not going my way yesterday work-wise just pushed me over the edge. I am still a little disappointed but I guess I can't control everything and sometimes some things just don't work out.
I also think I dealt with it poorly cause I haven't had such a big anxious meltdown in a while, which is also a good sign, that I am getting better at dealing with my anxiety. I know I am grasping at straws to put a positive spin on this post. But I do feel much better after crying and letting go of all the feelings that I had been holding on to for the past few weeks. It also kind of feels nice to be back here again, writing.
Anyhow, how are you? I promise to be back with better, less depressing content soon!
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