 | itsbigdogyuh Dec 1 | WARNING: real mf personal I want to preface this by saying I was officially diagnosed with OCD earlier this year. This the raw form of a journal entry I wrote about a year ago. I wrote it on a day when I was seriously struggling with my OCD before I even knew the diagnosis of OCD. I want to share this to demonstrate the jarring reality of how it is living in a world that was simply not made to include neurodivergent people. "Hey bitch, we are back. Today was literal hell. What's new. I don't know what is going on with me but I'm so exhausted from it. I have been holding back tears all day. It is like I deadass have to navigate the world with this uncontrollable fear, anxiety, or whatever tf it is. And I have these ridiculous intrusive thoughts. They literally snatch my breath out of me. The world seems to keep going and I can't catch up to the speed of it. Every step is a cautious one and I just keep overthinking each and every one. Something is off and I just don't know what to do anymore. It's more than just the normal anxiety everyone gets bruh. I can't shake the feeling that I'm drowning in my own thoughts, really scary ones. Every decision, no matter how fucking small it is has its handy dandy best friends anxiety and doubt next to it. The questions literally echo in my mind and I keep second-guessing everything I do. The thing I really needed to get out and off my chest was this one intrusive thought that I haven't been able to shake. It happened today while I was driving through the fucking chickfila parking lot. I just kept getting this vision and thought of Sophia dying if I didn't pick the right order and say it the right way. It comes when I'm doing other things to. I will be cleaning the dishes and If something doesn't get cleaned a certain way I think she will get sick using it and then die and it will be my fault. Or I will text her but I will think the message is wrong and rewrite it over and over again because what if she dies and I didn't say the right thing and I won't be able to fix it because she is dead. WHY DO I KEEP THINKING SHE IS GOING TO DIE??? HELLOOOOO??? I dont know bruh i'm crying right now just thinking about it. I literally had a fucking panic attack in the chickfila drive thru because of this. Like what is literally going on. And what makes me the saddest is feeling like I don't know where to go or that I will be called crazy or overdramatic. I just don't know what to do anymore or who to go to. Is this normal for other people to have. I have never heard anyone talk about intrusive thoughts like this so I really don't know. I just need help. I can't keep raw dogging life. I'm so exhausted of being anxious. I am just so fucking exhausted. But it's okay. I'm gonna figure this out and be okay. I'm doing great and whatever energy I give is more than enough. I'm gonna be okay. Hopefully tomorrow is better. keep up the good work ❤ p.s. sophia is my gf 🙂 I hope some reading this finds comfort knowing they are not the only one going through this. There are other people who understand you and you will be OKAY. You are not alone ❤ | | | |  | You can also reply to this email to leave a comment. | | | | |
No comments:
Post a Comment