Am I capable?

Arloistheloml

Dec 10

The last couple weeks have been a journey to say the least. My meds started to kick in, the depression is not as horrible, but now I feel so guilty and worthless that I pretty much failed this semester. I loved this class, yet I missed so many classes and let the missing assignments pile up. I thought I could be better. I thought I was better than this. Because of my parents, I tend to keep school stuff to myself out of fear of being yelled at or specific reactions because it bring me to a very negative mental space, and I do not think remembering and feeling that again is going to do anything but harm. Due to this, I have an extremely hard time accepting help out of fear of judgement and failure. Because to my parents, at least the way I interpret it is that I am a failure until I get a degree. Do I know thats not true? Deep down, yes, but its still something that weighs on me most I had no chance to morn the losses though, I had too much going on, and I honestly don't think I wanted to sit with those emotions. I do that alot, I just make a joke about it, and keep going. Im in survival mode and working in therapy to try to work on the things that put me in survival mode and it is hitting nerves I didn't know existed. It is terrifying. I am more traumatized than I thought and have way less control over my own emotions than I thought. I hate that, I like having control, I like being able to turn off my emotions and shove them down, to not remember the bodies and hands that have forced themselves on me, or the mouths that have screamed at me so loud the neighbors could hear, or the insults that brought me to my room sobbing alone for hours. I do not want to remember those times, to re feel that pain that I worked so hard to mask and shove down, but I have to. I have to because I have a boyfriend and I wanted to enjoy things with him, I have to because Im tired of feeling worthless each time I walk into my childhood bedroom, I have to so I don't keep allowing abusive people in my life. I have to because I want to thrive, not just survive. But then the question, am I capable of thriving? Ive only survived my whole life, I am so sure and so unsure at the same time that it needs to happen now. I cannot continue with my brain this distorted, if I want to help people for a living, I must help myself first. So I have to ask myself how bad I want it, do determine how capable I am of thriving in this life.