Since Mom's sickness sideswiped our lives, I have continued to anticipate the next steps in life. Call it complex anxiety... Mom-life, or over planning... but I think "how could I? Allow myself to "misstep" or trip and stumble and fall?!" Yet, grief. I think I look at her wrong... Grief is all forms, colors, and volumes. So, here's me trying to catch, capture, or create space for my grief.
We are really at two years technically in which Mom did not face her two birthdays of age 79 and age 80. She was born on May 1, 1944
Mom. Losing Mom has been the most difficult and life-changing thing for me.
One huge loss was the daily conversations, constant prayers, and so much more. A gain is caretaking for Dad. He's sweet and aging well. Poor elderly man. Currently, he has maybe 10 shaving razors to help him shave his five o'clock shadow? He has three sodas sipped from the top and three or four stacks of tissues/napkins.
Dad.
Mom.
One gone from earth and one with moderate Alzheimer's Dementia. Some functions dwindling and some "gone..."
Loss is not something anyone could properly prepare for or even process neatly... it is absolutely day by day and in some sense "can get better with time..."
but still sad...
still hard...
yet the world turns and moves.
The sun rises and the sun sets...
As the late musician Gram Parsons wrote, " ...the sun comes up without her, it just doesn't know that she's gone..." *yeah, definitely a different meaning of the song... but the idea... wow, the sun goes on...
I miss Mom. She is gone; the sun comes up without her; the sun does know Mom is gone from this earth and we are into churchy/Christianese "Cringe" as the kids say...here we go: the Son knows she's gone from this earth... Mom is with Christ, the Son, and God in heaven above.
My soul feels sad without Mom some days... on our recent trip I bawled for part of our plane ride. So many things converged and emotions rose!
Mom, *cheers to the few things* I remember about you:
*March 17th (of 2023) you told me you were ready to go home.
*March 18th (of 2023), you sounded the absolute weakest I have ever heard you...and you dropped the --- with losing 40 lbs in three months and barely eating...
*March 19th (of 2023), I tried my best and held in my tears telling my mother in law, I thought it was cancer and to be in prayer
*March 20th around 7pm (of 2023), I plunged into grief and one of my best friends and I headed up to go get sis from Oregon ...that's when I last spoke to you. You sounded good, I really thought I'd get to end our conversation better...
*March 21, 2023, I got to see you; every time I was in your presence I didn't allow myself to cry...I don't know if I just didn't feel sad or what...so I was happy to be with you so who knew how long...
*I went every weekend, just about...to see you. I worked Tuesday to Thursday and plunged into a weekend just to get more time with you from Friday to Monday.
You went home after Easter, Sunday, April 9, 2023...you passed the morning of April 10th, 2023 around 1am
April 22, 2023, we viewed your cosmetically held body... we had to say goodbye again in front of a bunch of people (family, friends, and strangers)... we sang and ate... we remembered you. Your celebration of life was beautiful... so many good things, so many good people... so many good memories. Well done, good and faithful one!!
Now...we have lived a full year and some weeks without you, Mom...
Two of your birthdays without you physically here with us... We miss you, Mom.
You'll be happy to know I took April 10, 2024, to remember the official day you passed. I communed with God, nature, and Kingsley. Remember that sweet fluffy puppy? He's a good boy. I remember you petting his fluffy head, it made it so happy. I thought seeing him would be some sort of life-prolonging therapy...you'd live a few more weeks...but you were at the end of the race there... your eyes were fixed on the Author and Finisher of our Faith...you did it, Mom. Good job! I'll see you someday.
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