Durian is a tropical fruit that tastes like an onion milkshake served in a dirty ashtray.
At least to my palate.
I first tried durian in Malaysia. I ate it outside, far away from my lodgings. This is standard. You don't eat durian inside. Not unless you want to smell its pungent odour in your soft furnishings for the next 6 months.
I never thought I'd bother with the spiky King of Fruits ever again, but the convenience stores of Thailand are packed with so many snack foods flavoured with it - ice creams, drinks, chips, cakes - it seemed a shame not to give it a second chance.
Browsing the aisles, I spotted a bag of Durian Milk Candy and thought "Eh, why not?" After all, I love milk candy and sugar makes everything taste better, so, durian candy was bound to be an improvement on the fruit. And it was.
Kind of.
Instead of tasting like an onion milkshake served in a dirty ashtray, durian milk candy tasted like a mildly-sweetened, dirty ashtray.
Despite the off-putting and overpowering first taste, I wanted to give the candies a fair shake, so I popped another boxy yellow so-called-sweet in my mouth, rolled it around and waited to taste something other then the residue of smoked Marlboro Reds.
I reasoned that, if I just pushed past the grimace-inducing first taste, I'd finally be able to appreciate durian and a wonderful world of snackfoods would open up to me.
But it never happened.
I considered a third attempt, but I decided there was no point. A third, fourth or fifth try of these so-called-sweets was not going to reprogramme my palate.
So, stuck with an almost full bag of demon sweets, I had two choices: dump them, or take them home and use them in a Fear Factor style food challenge with my nearest and dearest. I could award a prize to the person who could actually finish a whole piece.
As of writing this, no one has claimed that prize and the remaining candies sit in my pantry, sealed inside two ziplock bags, rapidly approaching their use-by date.
It's a shame, but it seems that durian is one taste my palate is never going to acquire.
But it's not for lack of trying.
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