by Kevin Burton
All love to Kevin Rowland and to Dexy's Midnight Runners, makers of Come On Eileen. All love to Eileen, all love to Johnnie Ray, all love to bib overalls.
But I may just have a new all-time favorite song.
It's called Fantasy Football Anthem, and it's by Holderness Family Music. You fantasy nuts, I warn you, don't watch the You Tube video until and unless you're ready to face some unpleasant truths.
In less than four minutes, Penn Holderness tells the whole fantasy football tale, from giddy anticipation to the wives left behind, the obsession and absurdity of not just on NFL Sundays, but every day.
This is your brain on fantasy.
This song is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It's a perfect sendup of nuts such as me, fantasy football managers.
"This is so exactly spot on," wrote thefalconsdback, in a comment under the You Tube video. "I can't begin to mention every time I've been super excited about something that's happened in fantasy only to have my wife look at me and say, (with sarcasm) 'that's great.'"
"Oh my God, this is so accurate," wrote commenter todaycuber.
"They must have had you in mind," my wife Jeannette said when I showed her the video. Then as the story unfolded, "Exactly…..this is so you,"
"Y'all are nuts!"
And let the nuttiness begin! Tis the season baby! The commissioner of my main fantasy league, a 12-team league with friends from beep baseball, has set the draft for the night of Labor Day. That means I can now set the time for all my other drafts.
"How many other drafts" you ask. Ok, don't start grilling me about such insignificant details. We're here to talk about the song!
In the best parody songs, the music is at least good enough that it doesn't detract from the humor. In this case the music enhances the story. It builds during the verses, has dramatic pauses in all the right places and features (what sounds to me like) a kettle drum to add the gravitas due a fantasy football story.
"On top of being hilarious and creative, this song actually slaps, too" wrote commenter Johnnyboombatz.
The narrator starts by rhapsodizing about something wonderful in his life, "something that I look forward to every single day it's something that I'm sad about the time it goes away, it's something that has been inside my life for 20 years and my heart is full when it appears."
He should be talking about his wife. By this time in the video he's danced his way into the kitchen where she is sitting when he rips off his robe to reveal a football jersey underneath, then he delivers the punch line "Yes it's you, fan-ta-sy football! It's all new, fan-ta-sy football!"
He talks about being president of a fake team and pretending to be friends with the players he has drafted, such as Atlanta tight end Kyle Pitts.
"And I will live and die with every single play he makes, and I will even yell at him when he makes a mistake, and yes again I am aware that my whole team is fake. But if I win a get a trophy there's so much at stake."
By this time the video is showing the other jersey-clad members of his fantasy league dancing down the street like a flash mob.
Holderness talks his way through a fantasy week, through updated standings, waivers, injury reports, leading to Monday, one more game, and his team is way behind.
He needs journeyman running back Giovanni Bernard to score seven touchdowns and run for 600 yards, a task-so comically impossible that even non-football fans know his team is doomed.
But then his face brightens and he sings "There's hope! Fan-ta-sy football! Wait, nope," fan-ta-sy football! I lost again, I rarely win, fantasy football, yeah!"
We have all had those "there's hope, wait nope" moments. It's part of the game we love.
Oh, and ladies, you can stop snickering now, for the fever is contagious. You are not safe.
You think I'm lying, but I ain't.
"Yep, I joined my husband's league this year along with my stepsons," wrote Amy Eaton another of the You Tube commenters. "My hubby is even more obsessed and he's like a kid at Christmas."
"Just like the song I had to watch the game last night because I have a kicker on the Rams team. I can't believe I'm doing this…"
Uh-huh.
Beware ladies, lest you too, fall under the spell.
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