I looked intently in my daughter's eyes. Her normal sparkle was clouded over with hurt. She had been caught in a three-way friend drama for years, often feeling left out and like she could not compete. After the most recent installment, she seemed resigned.
"I mean, maybe it's better this way anyway. When we move back to the US, then they'll have each other," she casually commented.
My heart broke. Where did this come from? Yes, we have eventual plans to move back to our home country, but no current plans. It isn't something we talk about much; at least, not with our children -- only occasionally. But clearly it has hung in the back of my daughter's mind.
Witnessing my daughter's experience of rootlessness is perhaps more painful than my own experience of it. For those of us who have children, you have likely asked the same questions:
Is this fair to do to my children?
What is the price they will have to pay?
How much trauma can we all bear?
Will we know when we need to make a change?
My daughter's own sense of rootlessness echoed my own persistent feelings.
Some of us are better disposed to live in the present, to set aside questions of the future and memories of the past. Others of us struggle to live in the moment, constantly aware of the shifting sand beneath our feet and the marching on of time.
Some of us love living overseas and have settled in deeply, hoping to pass many years of our lives on fresh soil. Others of us have worked hard to live well in difficult places and never quite felt like we could fully settle.
Compounded with a sense of rootlessness is that of loneliness – who else around me feels what I feel? Am I the only one? Local friends and partners will not relate in the same way, nor will friends and partners from our passport countries. It can be difficult to share honestly, and this often feels like a burden we must shoulder alone.
On some level, while the intensity of the rootless feeling fades, it never truly disappears; at least, it hasn't for me, not after eight years. While there has been an increased sense of home and community in our international context, I still do not feel like I am rooted in the way I wish I could be.
And yet, we seek to walk in this season with as much gratitude as we can muster, seeing that it is just that: a season. We pray, with the psalmist, "Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom" (Psalm 90:12). We hold fast to Christ as our true home and recognize that any sense of rootlessness is part of living in broken world.
So I can look my daughter in the eye, into those bright, beautiful eyes, and say, "I know, my girl. It's on my heart all the time too. Part of it is that we are living in this broken world – we'll be rootless until Jesus comes to make it all right again. Another part is that we are a kind of stranger here, and always will be. But it's okay – Jesus is with us, he knows what it is to be a foreigner, and we can hold fast to him. Some day, our hearts will feel completely at home."
And while this doesn't fix our feelings, it helps know what to do with them. Below is a prayer I've written for my daughter who struggles with rootlessness. May it be a blessing to you and your children:
A Prayer for When I'm Feeling Rootless
My Father, my true home,
My heart is unsettled in this place;
I feel rootless, wandering, floating.
I long to feel as though I belong,
As though this is my forever home.
I long to fit in, to not be different
Than those around me.
I long to not wonder when we will move,
Or imagine what that will be like.
And yet, I know my rootlessness
Comes from living in a broken world.
You will someday make all things new,
And this world will be the home you meant for me.
My soul is made to long
For you, Christ.
My heart is truly at home
In you, Christ.
My rootless wandering finds rest
In you, Christ.
My life is built on the solid rock
Of you, Christ.
And yet, while I am here,
Let me love well, and serve well.
Let me live in this season
With faith and trust that you will
Care for me all of my days.
Amen.
(Prayer drawn from Psalm 90:12; Luke 6:48; Ephesians 3:17; Colossians 2:7)
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